nothing gold can stay

j.cole CD tho.

2011-09-29T07:34:00.000-07:00

mannn, where do i start?

only...

2011-09-27T06:44:00.000-07:00

in a perfect world.

i'm a failure.

2011-09-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

i know this. no need to tell me. SO, the plan was to blog on the regular. but yeah that never works out how it should. AND HOW DARE I GET MAD AT ALL MY FAVORITE BLOGGERS FOR NOT BLOGGING ON A REGULAR BASIS. when i can't even keep up with my own shit.

so here's what new in my life. (not that any of you care) -_-

i'm planning an ill-fated trip to houston at the end of october.

whats so fucked up about this trip? i'll save that for another post.

my ex-girlfriend is giving me mixed signals as usual and i don't have control over

how i feel about the bitch anymore.

alex and i keep trying to make shit work but my heart isn't even in it now.

like at all.

even tho i've had some fucked up experiences with dating girls i'm

giving it another go. i really dont want to date guys anymore. i thnk i want to be exclusive

with just girls. but i don't fucking know. truth is what i want changes all the

damn time. so we'll see.

i have three very mysterious hickies on my next from saturday.

and i'm like super embarrassed.

still haven't looked into buying a new car. FUCKKK

did i miss anything? well, i certainly didnt put in details whatsoever. but

you guys get the gist of my fucked up life right?

the real l word.

2011-09-26T05:59:00.000-07:00

i want to fuck ALL of the. no shame here.
no but really i'll take romi, whitney, and claire.
i feel like this show pretty much captures how difficult lesbian relationships are.
all of the shit they're going through I AM CURRENTLY GOING THROUGH IT
OR EXPERIENCED IT. why are relationships with women so fucking difficult?
thats a real legit question. and im waiting for an answer. no one got anything?
ya. figured that. but i can't wait for next season. this is what im hoping for:

-sajdah calms the fuck down, she acts like a horny 15 yr. old boy.
-romi's jewelry line is picked up and she's single and sober!
-whitney seriously needs to leave sara the fuck alone. season 3 she needs to get over that bitch.
-claire and francine are so bad for each other and i really hope they stay away from each other.
-rachel should have a fucking job by season 3 and her shit together. ga, she was a trainwreck
-kaci and cori! they really want a baby. why? idk. but i hope the invitro was successful.

trust me. i know none of this shit will probable work out how i want it. but fuck you. i can dream can't i?

NOW PLAYING.

2011-09-26T05:44:00.000-07:00

GYPSY WOMAN-crystal waters. this song is old as fucking dirt. but i love it so much.

so lately i've been on the constant hunt for new music/new artist(well new to me anyway) and i've found some really good bands.

-wax tailor
-the weeknd
-stardust
-white town
-dave spoon
-robyn

SONGS I'VE BEEN PLAYING OBSESSIVELY:

*dont wanna go home-jason derulo
*beware of the boys-panjabi mc
*que sera-wax tailor (my absolute favorite right now)
*crash and burn-robyn (my second absolute favorite)
*blunt blowing-lil wayne.

enjoy ;)

hate.

2011-09-04T15:49:00.001-07:00

is a strong word but i really dont give a fuck.
because its a lot of things and people that i actually
fucking hate.

"still looking for the high road..."

i need people to be honest.

2011-09-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

(another one from the drafts 10.14.09)

i hate when i trust someone

and they lie to me.

my faith in man kind as an

half way semi honest society

is being lost.

excuse me, IS LOST.

i hate the bold face liars.

and then there's the i know you know

i'm lying liars but i'm going to lie anyway.

then there's the convincing liars.

ugh.

I HATE YOU ALL.

wuh oh.

2011-09-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

yeah. just simple today. w u h o h.

you know what that means ?
you know what that sound is ?
it's the sound of "oh shit."

THIS POST WAS IN MY DRAFTS. AND I JUST SAW IT. IT'S FROM november 17th 2009.
WISH I COULD REMEMBER WHAT WAS GOING ON WHEN I WROTE THIS,
BUT DECIDED NOT TO POST...wuh oh

work was hell last night.

2011-09-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

im still not use to the schedule. fuck.

...it seems that pain and regret are your best friends casue everythig you do leads to them.

everything i do has some fucked up outcome at the end.
im just ready to live a happier, healthy, fun, fufilled existence.
only person stopping that is me.
i control how i live my life.
i control my actions.
my feelings? well thats the problem.
becasue i don't know how to control those.

the zone.

2011-09-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

"walk your broken heart through that door,
sit your sexy ass on that couch,
wipe that lipstick off of you mouth.
i take it slow..."

all i want is alittle...

2011-09-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

sleep- It is distinguished from quiet wakefulness by a decreased ability to react to stimuli, and is more easily reversible than being in hibernation or a coma.

waking up- Refers to emerging from sleep.

no text, no calls, no sunlight. NO FUCKING INTERRUPTIONS.
i work nights and i need all the sleep i can get.
which is usually never enough.

what do you do when yo don't know what to do?

2011-09-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

you freak out and panic until you come to a solution.
~~NO.~~
dont listen to me, i don't know what im talking about.

but i do feel as if i don't even know what im doing.
i feel like im serving a fucking jail sentence. just waiting
for my four years in the navy to b over with so i can actually
get started on working my life. but in the meantime i feel like
im at the ultimate fucking stand still.
i just want someone to come up to me with all the
answers and tell me exactly what i should be doing right now
and the steps i need to take.
but yeah thats probably not ever going to happen.
where the fuck is my mom when i need her?

#yeezytaughtme

2011-09-02T02:52:00.000-07:00

"you weren't perfect but you made life worth it,
stick around and some REAL feelings might surface."

if you ask me im ready...

2011-09-02T02:34:00.000-07:00

see the thing thats different this time around.
is that im ready.
im open.
im willing.
and more importantly i know what i want.

so im more than grateful for what i feel like is a second chance
to make things right with him.

by the way.

2010-02-11T11:12:00.001-08:00

64% of woman have the uncanny ability to smell souls.

that's right.

damn.

2010-02-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

i haven't done this in a while.
and now that i've looked back.
and read the shit i was saying last year.

it makes me look sad.
so i say in the twenty ten.
only happy posts.

oh nina, i like ya face.

2009-11-23T16:58:00.000-08:00

i need to check people.

2009-11-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

my brother ONLY calls when he needs something.
i just realized it.
the minute i need something
he says :if i'm not doing anything."
or
what he considers doing something is going to the mall.
when i actually need to go to the bank or some important shit
he can't come through for me.
he always asks for money or clothes.
and i'm sick of his selfish ass ways.
he acts like someone owes him something.
i'm really starting to dislike my brother.

i need to get over writers block.

2009-11-04T10:27:00.000-08:00

when i actually have to type a paper. i have nothing to say. but when i have nothing to do words flow right out of my head and mouth. even now i am typing. words. i have something to say about having nothing to say. i don't want to just throw together some bs and call it my college entrance essay. no, i want it to be superb. because i have to make up for my lacking grades on my horrid transcript. any ideas on how to ge the blood flowing to my brain ? no ? yeah.

i need to find what i did with this c.d

2009-10-30T09:23:00.000-07:00

isaac:

[Hebrew:]

Im ninalu daltey Nedivim
daltey Nedivim
Daltey Marom

[English translation:
[If doors of generous men are locked,
Doors of heaven]

Staring up into the heavens
In this hell that binds your hands
Will you sacrifice your comfort
Make your way in a foreign land
Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying
Will you ever be the same

Mmmm mmm mmm
Im Nin'alu, Im Nin'alu
Mmmm mmm mmm
Im Nin'alu, Im Nin'alu

Remember, remember
Never forget
All of your life has all been a test
You will find the gate that's open
Even though your spirit's broken
Open up my heart
Cause my lips to speak
Bring the heavens and the stars
Down to earth for me
Wrestle with your darkness
Angels call your name
Can you hear what they are saying
Will you ever be the same

the gates of heaven are always open...and that's what it's about.

yeayo.

2009-10-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

i belong to WAY TOO MANY internet sites.
tumblr.wordpress.blogger.myspace.facebook.tagged.

just a thought.

2009-10-29T08:24:00.000-07:00

"cool these engines, calm these jets.

i ask you how hot can it get "

and as you wipe off beads of sweat, you

slowly say:

'i'm not ready yet'."

5 ways to win me ovr, and some mo' shit.

2009-10-28T12:06:00.000-07:00

-cook me food, or buy me food.
-know how to give a good spanking.
-worship my dog
-tell funny jokes
-hug me

3 songs i listen to obsessively
-chilling by wale !
-just me and you redone by marvin gaye !
-teach you a lesson by drake !

6 random facts you don't care about

-i put lotion on about fifty times a day. i hate dry skin.
-i also put lip chap on obsessively
-i'm afraid of my friends cat. it's so fucking weird.
-i hate homophobes
-i sleep with a nightlight
-i have two middle names and two last names. geezz.

4 things i'm afraid of
-the dark
-death
-fires
-heights

2 things i want
-"i just want to be successful."
-i want to forget what i did back then.

8 things i want to say to people that i can't
-your a looser, and i hate you. i wish you'd quit calling me. i don't have the balls to tell you that.
-i love you so much. i wish you could be mine.
-i'm sad that we're going down different paths. i wish we weren't. we use to be such good friends.
-i don't have faith in you. never will.
-you complain so much and make excuses. i feel that everything that comes out your mouth is BS.
-i think you may have a mild case of retardation.
-i can't imagine life without you.
-you hurt my feelings, in ways i can't explain.

no topic.

2009-10-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

i like this no topic shit.
it gives me the freedom to say
whatever.
who says we need titles ?
well, middle finger to them.

i know where i want to go with this blog post.
i know exactly what i want to say.
it's on the tips of my fingers
and at base of my voice.
but it's not coming out.
the words for how i'm feeling won't form into
sentences.
maybe a single word.
or a few words.
but not sentences.

ashamed.lonely.afraid.prideful.weary.

those are the only words that came to mind.
but not sentences.
and i can't even tell you why i'm feeling this way.
i mean i know why,
but it won't come out.
some shit, just won't let me admit the truth.
so, if i don't say it. it's not a reality.
"ignorance is bliss."
it's not.
but right now.
i'm cool with it.

no topic.

2009-10-28T09:44:00.000-07:00

back to being hella random.
and no one topic to blog about.
except something is waying on my mind.

i left my ring on the bathroom sink today,
and when i went to look for it, it was gone.
and as i was about to ask the janitor what happened to it
i caught her scrubbing the toilet.
and i was embarrassed.
embarrassed that someone has to do this job.
embarrassed i caught her like this.
embarrassed she was so nice and was scrubbing a
toilet.
but happy that she had put my ring up for me,
so no one would take it.

no topic.

2009-10-26T09:38:00.000-07:00

this is it for today guys.
my ridiculous ramblings
are starting to get on my nerves.
but i'm in the library.
where i feel at home.
i feel comfortable.
and it's raining.
and i think i'm going to do something
different today.
i'm going to cook myself dinner.
and enjoy my day alone.
you see,
sometimes i like to be alone.
especially after a weekend
with my family who are a bit overwhelming at times.
it's refreshing.

i wish i wouldn't have messed up with ******.
i know i sound ridiculous.
saying that right now.
because i feel ridiculous.
but i messed up.
he may have been the best thing to happen to me.
and i screwed up.
i gave in to him.
and that turned him off.
and i'm an idiot.
and sometimes i feel like i will nvr
meet someone like him.
some people are one in a million kind of people.
i'd like to think that about my self.
but. fuck.
i don't.
liz i a one in a million.
sage is a one in a million.
lauren is a one in a million.
and i'm just keyna.
mediocre. average.
looking for a way to stand out.
get noticed.
get seen.
ugh.
it's raining.
and all i want to do is watch tyra and eat food.
my comfort.
no topic.

i need a new number .

2009-10-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

oh you ?
you know what i mean...
when you get the email/phone call/text/im
from that one person you had forgotten about.
the person who you did that one thing
with and then they come along and it 's like
oh you... ?
damn, i forgot about you.
why couldn't you just let me be.
f u c k.
i had buried the thought of you.
somewhere deep on my mind.
with a lock.
lots of locks.
and here you come.
with that does as one liner ?
what's up ?
or
what's good ?
or
what you been on ?
ugh.
nothing's up.
everything was good until now.
and i been on the same shit,
just without you to think about.
so before you think twice about contacting that
person you haven't heard from in awhile and
that you did that one thing with...
think
"will they even want to hear from me ?"
the answer is probably not.

no topic.

2009-10-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

that's right ladies and gents.
i'm freelancing this shit today.
i have nothing particular on my mind.
just alot of thoughts about random shit.
normal shit.
like what s my plan b in life if my plan a doesn't
work out !?
what am i eating for dinner ?
is my room clean ?
damn i look cute today !
that guy from the bar on saturday was MAD sexy.
wish i could've got his number.
if it's meant to be i'll see him again.
i need to pretend i'm doing some work
or else i'll get kicked the fuck up out this library.
they're serious as hell about doing work and shit
in here.
they go tthese nice ass computer.
MACCCC NIGGA.
i'm also thinking this job i was soooo certain i was
going to get hired at.
that's what i get for being TOO optimistic.
damn. Fml.
and why did this dude text me at 11 48
talkig about "do i want to cuddle ?"
ay, it's 12 00 at night. you not trying to cuddle.
your trying to get some.
which is not going to happen.
i mean i am horny.
i want to fuck as bad as him.
but, i have a little bit of self worth.
enough.
and my thoughts stop there.
and i dwell on how much self-worth do i really have ?
i've gained alot ovr these past years you know.
alot of respect for my self.
alot more than i had.
and i'm happy i can say that.
i just wish i didn't have to make mistakes
that some people will nvr forget just to gain some
self-worth.
fuck.

i need to get something off my chest.

2009-10-13T11:07:00.001-07:00

you choose your own destiny.

i am a firm believer in that.

i wish torrey believed this too.

i wish i could tell him how i really feel.

but im trying to avoid hurting his feelings

and ruining our friendship.

which actually is what i feel he is doing.

by complaining, and blaming others.

and not doing anything to help himself.

ugh.

but if i could write him a letter and tell him how

i felt it would go something like this:

dear torrey,

you are one of the most sorry people i've ever met.

one of the most sorry men.

i don't know what happened to you.

you use to be so responsible.

you use to have an idea of what you where doing.

you use to have it together.

now. you ain't shit.

you went to live with your mom

who already had other people living with her,

you quit college. crashed your car.

became a bum.

started smoking weed everyday.

drinking everyother day.

and being a bum

you finally got a job.

that didn't work out.

you got kicked out of your moms.

for being irresponsible.

with her car.

now you live in a house

with other people.

your probably living in borderline

poverty.

you have no money.

how do you eat ?

how do you live ?

how do you buy the things you

need to survive ?

you have no number you can be reached at.

you call me and gladly rest all your problems

all on my shoulders, because you know i'll listen.

because i use to love you.

because i USE to love you.

and you think i do still, i think.

but i don't.

i loathe you.

you make me sick.

you disgust me.

you need to get it together.

get a job.

get back in school.

stop being a pothead.

stop making excuses.

and stop calling me until

you do all of the above.

because the destiny you've chosen

for yourself isn't the best.

and i don't need that coinciding with mine.

i need a job and some motivation.

2009-10-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

i'm broke,

and that's noooo bueno.

so, my neighbor can see that i'm broke

and thirsty. so he keeps telling me

about this damn primerica.

even told my friends.

who weren't at all intrested.

i mean not even alittle.

so i feel kind of foolish looking into.

and at least i'm looking into it.

you know...doing my "homework."

i'm sitting here at the library researching a job.

a job i'm not even intrested in.

a job i could care less about.

but a job is a job.

and broke is broke.

and i'm broke.

as hell.

so i'll probably ask around about it.

see what my uncle thinks.

i actually value my uncle's opinion,

he's pretty smart when it comes to business and shit.

i need a job.

i have shit i need to buy.

like weave.

lipgloss.

shoes.

necklaces.

i have maintenance.

like getting my eyebrows done.

and my toes and nails painted.

lotion to buy.

chapstick too.

perfume.

shampoo.

haircuts to get done.

weave to get sewn in.

places to go.

concerts.

clubs.

parties.

gifts to buy.

birthdays.

holidays.

chirstmas.

you know. all that shit money can buy.

i need to know if i'm truly happy.

2009-10-11T11:59:00.000-07:00

lately i've been feeling like i can nvr be truly happy.
like i will always regret and decisions i've made.
like i will always be angry at certain
people for things they've done that have affected
me in a bad way.
i feel like i have something waying down
on me.

and sometimes when i do feel happy
i wonder if i'm really happy
and why can't i live in moments
like letting the sun set, or running a mile without stopping,
or spending time with my family forever ?

i need to know if i'm truly happy.

2009-10-08T10:57:00.000-07:00

i need a song to listen too.

2009-10-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

basment jaxx-romeo

you keep on giving me the hold up,
i wish you'd make you mind up.
'cause' when we get it on it so-so.
you use to be my romeo

'cause' you see my dear.
i have had enough.
of keeping quiet about all this stuff.
your neurotic like a yo-yo.
you use to be my romeo.

let it all go
let it all go
let it all go
let it all go

you use to be my romeo

you keep on giving me the hold up.
you know i wish you'd make your mind up.
'cause' when we get it on it's so-so.
you use to be my romeo.

'cause' you see my dear,
i have had enough.
of keeping quiet about all this stuff.
your neurotic like a yo-yo.
you use to be my romeo.

let it all go.
let it all go.
let it all go.
let it all go.

you use to be my romeo.

let it all go.

'cause' you left me laying there,
with a broken heart.
staring through a deep cold void.
alone in the dark.
and i miss the warmth in the morning.
and the laughter when i can't stop yawning.
but the tears on the pillow 've dried,
my dear,
gonna let it all go 'cause' i have no fear.

you use to be my romeo.

i need to get laid.

2009-10-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

do you want to know how i know this ?
because i dream about it.
and when you dream about it, you know your in a desperate situation.
and i dream about having sex with the most random ppl.
if i see a cute guy at the grocery store, then you can bet
i'm going to dream about fucking him.
hmmm.
i dont' want to go and bang the next sexy guy i
see. lord knows. i don't.
but DAMN. how long am i going to be able
to keep it in my pants. a small purple vibrator
can only do so much.

and this man i went out with last night
looks like he's packing in the sack.
yes, i looked. just like he kept staring
at my ample breasts. i kept staring at
his large penis.
maybe we both need to get some.
maybe we both are horny.
maybe we'd have great sex together.
maybe. i need to get laid.

i need someone, that i actually want.

2009-10-04T11:41:00.000-07:00

a ha !
"you'll be married within the next three years, you look like a football/basketball players wife. you know keyna, men aren't stupid. we know a keeper when we see one. your a keeper."

well.well.well.
why do we always hear the shit WE WANT TO HEAR from the person WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR it from. thanks sgt. Mack. but, that didn't make me feel any better. i mean damn. if i'm such a keeper why can't i KEEP a man. no,no, i meant why can't i get a man. get the man i want anyway. you know. the man that i really,really want. i'm refuse to settle for less. i will NEVER be desperate enough to throw my standards out the window like i never had any. my standards aren't too high, i mean this is all i'm asking for:

someone who can teach me something.
someone who can spell.
someone who would rather talk than text.
someone with good communication skills.
someone who's close to there family.
someone who believes in god.
someone who has a good relationship with god.
someone who is ambitious.
someone who has a plan for there life.
someone that has been places to tell me about.
someone who can entertain me.
someone who is respectful.
someone who has morals and values.
someone who can keep up a conversation.
someone who wants to go to new places.
someone that wants to experience new.
someone who doesn't have kids.
someone who has a job !
someone who's honest and trustworthy.
someone who can tell good stories.
someone my friends will adore.
someone who will adore my friends.
someone who doesn't smoke weed.
someone who wants these qualities,traits in a women.

damn, am i really asking for too much ?

i need to move.

2009-10-01T16:03:00.001-07:00

i saw him today.
and we didn't say anything.
i especially didn't say anything.
i was too caught up what was to become
of my future.
but after i saw him,
my crying increased a hell of alot.
but now.
i'm trying to convince myself,
he's no good.
even though (once again...)
i was made to believe otherwise.
why is it so hard to accept some things !?

i need to focus.

2009-10-01T11:13:00.000-07:00

i'm taking one of the most important test of
my life in a couple of hours and guess what !?
i'm not even focused.
i'm praying a tree, a strike of lightening,
or some other unfortunate mishap
will fall upon the MEPS building and
give me a reason to back out.
wish me luck.

i need something to do.

2009-09-24T08:48:00.000-07:00

weed. ugh. i can't smoke it without feeling downright paranioa...everytime, was suppose to be the last time. and still here i am. plotting my next time. which should be spent eating it in the form of brownies. why not kill two birds in one stone. the munchies and getting high. most genius shit i've came across. i swear. that sounds like i good time right now. i miss seeing the world in a different way and sorting my thoughts outs. i miss laughing for an insanely amount of time and then putting on my ipod and thinking "this beat goes so hard". i haven't felt like that in a long time. and i need too. i need some of that good good. i.e kush, purp, whatever. actually just give me that regular shit because i smoked kush once and i was tripping balls. i had to walk back home and it was a full moon and i was sure werewolfs where out to get me. no bullshit. i not saying i want some boo boo. that shit is NASSSS-TEY. i just want some regular ol' weed. the kind me and liz use to smoke. that kind that sends us into the kitchen to ramshack it and then ends with sweet dreams. not to mention the occassional body jerk, and neck scratch. yeah, give me some of dat... huh. if only...

"do y'all motherfuckers feel high tonight/ knowin y'all niggaz shouldn't drive tonight/ fuck it though/however the plan goes/ roll up the caravan windows/ so we can all die and get high /off of second hand smoke...".

hello.

2009-09-23T10:52:00.000-07:00

let me introduce myslef.
even though my official
introduction was me pouring
my heart out.

here's a more official one.

my name is keyna. i admit. i'm a douche. a big one. this girl says "you go to my friends school, he aked if you knew me and you said i was a whore." and my reply was. "sorry about that." i'm an only child. so i'm selfish. antisocial. until i take a hit of that dirty dirty [weed.] or a shot of that liquid gold [jose.]. i'm usually friendly though. i've been wearing my heart all out on my sleeve. just for any old fool to come by and snatch up. i'm a social climber. i like to know somebody that knows somebody. i live in st.louis. i like it here. i really like it. it's st.louis. it's home. and this blog is going to be about all the shit i've been doing. because i need somewhere to sort my thoughts other than a journal. i want to share my mistakes with people. my friends. we're all going through the same things.

i should vent.

2009-09-22T18:56:00.001-07:00

i want to write you but i'm not sure what i would say.
i'm not sure where i would start.
and i'm not sure if you'd read it.
i'm not sure.

i'm sure you'd laugh.
you'd think i was a joke.
and lastly,
another notch in your belt.

but if just by some odd chance i did get the courage to write you i'd say this:

dear """""",

I'm sorry that i'm about to let you have it. I'm about to tell you everything. Because you've brought the worse emotion out in me that i've felt to date. No one has EVER disregarded me like you have. Thrown me to the side without looking back. It's not like you left me standing there on my steps thinking I'll never talk to you again. You left me thinking we where hanging out the next day. You left me with a hug, and a kiss and a very hopeful outlook that maybe we where going to be really good friends. And i gladly accepted your invitation. Even though something in my gut, MY FUCKING GUT told me you weren't as genuine as you where putting off. Do you remember I called you out about it ? Yeah, I said I didn't think you where so genuine. How come we never just listen to our first mind ? IDK. I don't know how to explain to you, that you've been on my constant thoughts. How much of your act was true ? Really ? How much of it was really true ? Maybe this isn't totally your fault. MAYBE, I had fault in it too. Just maybe you had some hope that I wouldn't be like the rest of the girls, when I was. AND THAT may have had an effect on you. I wish we could go back and start ovr, I even asked you and you said THAT WOULD BE BEST. I don't know. I'm just all confused in my thoughts. I don't have time for this. I'm taking the most important test of my life in a couple of days and this shouldn't be on my mind. The end.